S3E12 - The Cheese Episode!

 

MUM: Hello Stacey! 

STACEY: Hello Mum! 

MUM: How are you? 

STACEY: I'm alright; it's been one of those days where I got to work and I realised, not only did I have my knickers inside out but they were also back to front.

MUM: They weren't tucked into your skirt as well, weren't they? With a bit of toilet paper hanging out the back?

STACEY: They weren't! They weren't! Anyway, how are you?

MUM: I'm all right; I'm a bit warm, I'm in me new apartment - next to the beach, very close to the beach - even I can walk it without going on me bike.

STACEY: You know what you should do?

MUM: What? 

STACEY: You should set up a zip line.

MUM: I could do that!

STACEY: Yes, because your apartment's quite high up, but right across the road from the beach; just zip line so you go from the apartment, across the road, down onto the beach; you have a permanent towel situated there that you just land on, and you're there!

MUM: Do you think I might get good enough to have a permanent sun lounger that I land in? 

STACEY: Yes! You might have to pay a pound a week or something- sorry, a euro? 

MUM: What, just to have them repaired?

STACEY: [LAUGHS]

MUM: So what are we talking about?

STACEY: Let's do a cheese special!

MUM: We've talked quite a bit about cheese.

STACEY: We have talked a bit about cheese, and people really enjoyed us talking about feet cheese.

MUM: Feta cheese?

STACEY: Feta, we talked about feta; and it kind of led us both to think "Let's do a cheese special."

MUM: I'm gonna tell you about the guinea pigmilking machine; I'm gonna talk about breast milk cheese-

STACEY: No!

MUM: Yes! 

STACEY: Well, I've got a quiz for you called Cheese or Disease.

MUM: I'm loving that already. 

STACEY: Should we get started?

MUM: Let's do it! 

[THEME] 

STACEY: Do you want to start?

MUM: Yeah, one of the things I found out; American cheese can't be legally sold as cheese.

STACEY: Oh, is it that plastic stuff?

MUM: It has to be sold as 'Cheese Product' or 'Cheese Food' or 'American Singles', apparently.

STACEY: I do very much dislike American cheese. I've been to America a couple of times, and whenever they asked me if I want cheese on something I will always ask for cheddar; because otherwise you just get like strips of orange plastic, it's disgusting.

MUM: Well, that cheese product is so bad, that in 2013 they held a competition for American Cheese Product; one only one cheese was entered, and it came third. 

STACEY: [LAUGHS] One cheese wasn't even good enough to win first prize?!

MUM: No, it came third. The judges chose not to award a first or second prize; but it is also true that cheese can be addictive, because - and I'm sorry if you'll hear the dogs bark in the distance; I've come all this way, have all the dogs with me-

STACEY: They're hanging outside the window.

MUM: Today I nearly got me eye out!

STACEY: What do you mean you've got your eye out?

MUM: It nearly had me eye out! I've been drinking cans of sin.

STACEY: What?!

MUM: Yeah, I got it from ALDI; it's only 37c a can.

STACEY: That's cheap sin. 

MUM: It is; it's (UNCLEAR) 'Cerveza Sin'. 

STACEY: What is it?

MUM: Well, it tastes like beer but it just says 'Sin' on it. So I've been enjoying that cold; cold sin, there's nothing like it. So anyway-

STACEY: How did you nearly get your eye out?!

MUM: Oh yeah, the (UNCLEAR) came and took the top of me hair off!

STACEY: Oh my god, I'm so confused.

MUM: A pigeon come, right, swooping, and touched me hair. I think he was more surprised that I was! "Bleeding hell, I didn't expect anybody to be sat on the roof! You shouldn't sit looking like a cliff; move a bit, give me a clue! You're in (UNCLEAR) 'brown', what am I to thin? So obviously I'm gonna put a red top on now.

STACEY: And every now and then you'll move slightly.

MUM: I'll do; I'll just move me feet a bit. Cheese, let's get back to cheese.

STACEY: You were talking about cheese and...

MUM: It being addictive, because it contains a natural morphine that's found in the (UNCLEAR). 

STACEY: Cheese is nice though, isn't it?

MUM: What's your favourite cheese?

STACEY: My favourite cheese is applewood smoked cheddar.

MUM: Okay, so it is a cheddar?

STACEY: Yes; oh, they're so creamy and delicious.

MUM: Most cheese is made from cow's milk, right?

STACEY: Yes.

MUM: So in Tibet - where there's no shortage of yaks - they're mostly having yak cheese.

STACEY: Okay...

MUM: It's creamy, oily, with a (UNCLEAR) 'barn-like' odor.

STACEY: Barn?

MUM: Barn.

STACEY: Okay. Barn-ey oily creamy cheese.

MUM: They have yak butter which they put in their tea.

STACEY: Oh, yes of course.

MUM: Called Po cha.

STACEY: Have you ever tried butter in your tea?

MUM: Yes.

STACEY: And what do you think?

MUM: I don't think I whipped it up enough; I just ended up with a blob of fat on the top and the tea underneath, and I just drunk it with a straw until I got down to where it was just butter.

STACEY: Like an ice-cream soda float.

MUM: Yeah, I just sucked it down till only the (UNCLEAR) was left.

STACEY: [GAGS] Sounds like a clogged drain.

MUM: So, reindeer cheese-

STACEY: How does that taste? Like Christmas?

MUM: It says that "Reindeer milk is extra fatty milk which makes some seriously tasty cheese." It's some of the most nutritious milk that you can get, reindeer milk.

STACEY: I bet it makes nice cream.

MUM: Unfortunately reindeer milk is hard to come by, because it's expensive; it takes to two people to make a reindeer.

STACEY: Because they've got big udders?

MUM: No, one person needs to hold the animal's horns while the other person milks it.

STACEY: Oh, that doesn't sound nice, does it?

MUM: No, but apparently they keep trying to look between their legs?

STACEY: [LAUGHS] "What are you doing down there?" 

MUM: "What is that? You know my name's Eric, don't you?!" So then we've got camel cheese. 

STACEY: Camel cheese, what does that taste like?

MUM: Well, in the Middle East they drink camel milk as an alternative to cow's milk; not a lot of cows in the desert.

STACEY: I can imagine camel milk and camel cheese is not particularly fatty?

MUM: It says it's "More easily digested, slightly richer." However, expensive; also takes a couple of people. One to milk the camel, the other one to mop the spit up! Ricotta cheese, made from breast milk.

STACEY: Well, theoretically all cheese is made from breast milk.

MUM: That is true.

STACEY: But human breast milk?

MUM: Yeah. The Manhattan chef David Angerer serves dollops of cheese made from his wife's breast milk at his restaurant.

STACEY: What a dirty boy.

MUM: Apparently it tasted - [LAUGHS] - sorry, I don't usually laugh before I've said it. It tasted "mild"; it has an unappetizing (UNCLEAR) 'Banksy' texture. The New York Department of Health shut the restaurant down, and said he could not keep the contraband cheese on site at the restaurant.

STACEY: You can't be selling your wife cheese, that's it.

MUM: Then finally - I've been hogging the cheese news - but pigs.

STACEY: Pig cheese?

MUM: Pig cheese.

STACEY: Oh, does it taste like bacon?

MUM: That'd be good, wouldn't it?

STACEY: like a smoky bacon cheese!

MUM: Chef Edward Lee has been experimenting with pig milk ricotta; "Unfortunately", he says, "Pigs don't really lactate that much, and the reason they can't milk them is the sows are extremely... they get very angry if you try to touch their nipples."

STACEY: Good! More animals should be getting angry.

MUM: Lee says at night, he crept up on the sows while they were asleep and frantically pinched at their tiny nipples; then ran away when theystarted to wake up and freak out.

STACEY: That is so wrong!

MUM: He says that he might try using a human breast pump if he can get close enough.

STACEY: That man is sick.

MUM: I know, I'm only telling you what they tell me! So he's only made ricotta so far; it's quite nice, but he hasn't made much of it.

STACEY: What a weirdo!

MUM: I know.

STACEY: Harassing pigs in the night!

 

STACEY: Do you fancy having a quiz?

MUM: I do.

MUM: Shall we play the quiz Cheese or Disease?

MUM: I'm gonna be brilliant at this.

STACEY: This is a little quiz from The Telegraph website, and we'll whisk through these; all you've got to say is whether this is Cheese or a Disease. So do you know your feta from your flu?

MUM: Go for it, go for it!

STACEY: Question One: brinkburn, is it a cheese or disease?

MUM: Cheese.

STACEY: Correct! It is a cheese; it's made in Northumberland from pasteurised goat's milk. Next one: Erdheim– Chester.

MUM: A disease.

STACEY: It is a disease; it doesn't tell me anything about the disease, but it is a disease. Backstein.

MUM: Disease.

STACEY: Uh-Uh; it's a cheese. A brick-shaped German one.

MUM: Wow, I thought it was too obvious!

STACEY: Next one: Hereford hop.

MUM: A disease. I think it's like housemaid's knee.

STACEY: Because they got housemaid's knee, they have to do the Hereford hop?

MUM: Yeah, they do in Hereford!

STACEY: It's a cheese.

MUM: Oh, I'm not as good as I thought.

STACEY: Right, next one; Brunner.

MUM: Okay, that is definitely a disease.

STACEY: It's a disease! Only a few more: next one is Shanklish.

MUM: ...How do you pronounce-

STACEY: That's how I pronounce it, Shanklish!

MUM: Shankcliff?

STACEY: Shanklish!

MUM: A cheese.

STACEY: It is a cheese; popular in Syria and Lebanon. Next one: Glanders.

MUM: Glanders is a disease that horses get.

STACEY: In their glands?

MUM: No, in their legs I think. In their hooves.

STACEY: It's a disease. Next one: Gallybagger.

MUM: Gallybagger is a disease.

STACEY: What is it?

MUM: It's when your gallies get bagged.

STACEY: Okay! I thought it's when your bags got gallied.

MUM: No, no, that's a cheese!

STACEY: Galleybagger is an unpasteurised cheddar from the Isle of Wight.

MUM: And we've been there on holiday.

STACEY: Yeah, we didn't have any of our gallies bagged!

MUM: No; I'm going back there now in a minute, for some galleybagger.

STACEY: That's the end of the quiz!

MUM: Okay; I didn't do well.

STACEY: You scored 63%.

MUM: Okay, so little bit over half.

STACEY: Looks like a few more diseases out there than we thought, huh?

MUM: I've got a question to put to you, which I'll tell the answer to later; have a little think about this. So the average dairy cow produces around 31 kilograms of milk each day.

STACEY: Wow, okay.

MUM: How many rats do you think you'd need to produce the same amount of milk?

STACEY: That's not where I thought you were gonna go with that.

MUM: No; well, we are seriously addressing the question of rat cheese. This is the Federation of Rodent Cheese Makers-

STACEY: No!

MUM: Yeah.

STACEY: Are they sneaking up on them in the night as well?

MUM: When do you think the first rat milking machine came on the market?

STACEY: Ugh.

MUM: It was called the midget milker. It was primarily designed to milk guinea pigs, but they could also milk rats with it. So when do you think that was on the market?

STACEY: Okay, I'm gonna say 1950s.

MUM: Oh; you're quite close, that's all I'm saying. They said it was an Internet hoax, but no; an article in the Modern Farmer says rat cheese could be a future delicacy, so how many rats do you think you'd need to make 31 kilograms of milk?

STACEY: I'll have a think about it; you're gonna give us the answer later?

MUM: I'll give you the answer when I tell you about rat milking.

STACEY: Okay!

CARLA: Hello Mom, hello Stacy! This is Carla; I'm co-host of Number One Rerun Podcast, which is basically a show where we choose any date from 1978 to present day, and we talk about the number one film, song and TV show on that day. I'm really excited that Stacey's asked me to come on and represent my brand new show with a fact that she's given me about cheese; can't wait to read this, bound to be something good. Oh. Okay... Well, no, we can make this work. Okay; Belgium musician Stromae released an album called Cheese on the 14th of June 2010, which reached number one in Belgium. So if that doesn't make you want to check out my show, I don't know what will. Not much to work there with, Stacey, but we'll talk about that off-air. Anyway, back to you ladies!

STACEY: Can you guess what is number one on this list of Best Worst Cheeses in the world?

MUM: Is it my favourite cheese ever?

STACEY: And what's that?

MUM: Is it the cheese maggots?

STACEY: It is, yeah!

MUM: That is, the illegal cheese, casu marzu. They still make it on the black market; can you just explain to anybody who's not heard our previous podcasts how they make that cheese?

STACEY: So it comes from Sardinia; it translates as 'rotten cheese'. It's made from sheep's milk, and basically what they do is put insect larvae called cheese fly into the cheese, so that it breaks down all the fats-

MUM: [RETCHES] I'm doing that sympathetic vomiting...yeah?

STACEY:  When the cheese is ready, when you open it up the maggots are still all in there, actively crawling around; and you just eat the cheese with the maggots.

MUM: I thought that the maggots had eaten all the cheese, and you just eat the cheesy maggots.

STACEY: No, you eat basically liquid cheese; filled with fat cheese maggots.

MUM: I'm hoping everybody's retching now!

STACEY: But it's generally considered unsafe to eat the cheese if the maggots have died, so you have to have live maggots when you eat it.

MUM: Which also means that you've got to wear goggles, am I right in remembering that?

STACEY: Yes, when you open up the cheese the maggots will jump up into your eyes.

MUM: And if anybody gets this cheese, I will try it live on podcast.

STACEY: Do you want to know what it tastes like?

MUM: Am I gonna retch again?

STACEY: No! It's extremely sharp and the flavour can linger in your mouth for several hours; so you're just going round with maggot poo breath.

MUM: I want to know what the texture's like. Is it more like a White Stilton, do you think, or (UNCLEAR) 'crumblier'

STACEY: I'm looking at a picture of it, and it looks like either an uncooked cake or like soggy scrambled egg.

MUM: Bit like cottage cheese?

STACEY: Kind of like that, yeah; it's brown, like a beige colour.

MUM: I've given you a little bit of time now; I don't know what sort of smell rat cheese has. I think we could find out from the Federation of Rodent Cheese Makers!

STACEY: Did you know mice don't actually like cheese?

MUM: I did hear a rumour. Mostly they like chocolate and peanut butter, is that right?

STACEY: Yes, they like carbohydrates and sugar. They'll eat cheese if it's there, but they don't- it's not their favourite thing but how many rats do you think it takes to produce the same amount of milk in a day as one day?

STACEY: Okay, so I think rats don't produce much milk; maybe they produce- gosh, do they even produce more than like 15 mils? Dunno - then I would say 600.

MUM: You're really close!

STACEY: What is it?

MUM: 674. So they think that the milk's really rich, and would be really nice in your cup of coffee in the morning.

STACEY: You just get one rat, give it a little squeeze and that's enough.

MUM: In the fridge; you could have them in the butter compartment, couldn't you?

STACEY: You could have them sitting in an egg holder!

MUM: That'd be perfect; with little nipples underneath. They come out on a little swing, and you put your cup under it. So, fromage de rat would be something like a Brie, they reckon. The problem they've said is, they don't have milking machines small enough to make rat dairy as an option.

STACEY: I don't think it should be an option, really.

MUM: I asked you this as well; 1946, Professor Harrington of Cornell University designed the Midget Milker; the world's smallest milking machine, which is mounted on a board 18 by 6 inches.

STACEY: ...Okay.

MUM: It was mostly to milk guinea pigs, but they also had a go using it on rats, rabbits and hamsters.

STACEY: Hamsters are tiny!

MUM: Yeah, but it said that milking a guinea pig was a two-man operation.

STACEY: Hang on, milking a reindeer was a two-man operation! Where's the horns on the guinea pig?

MUM: Well, I think the nipples are quite hard to find.

STACEY: So it's just a two-man operation to look for nipples?

MUM: No, one had to hold- always in these cases, one has to hold the animal, and the other one has to do the milking.

STACEY: Right, okay!

MUM: It just takes too long to milk enough rats to produce enough milk to make enough cheese, wouldn't there?

STACEY: It just doesn't make sense.

MUM: If you got that many rats, you've got a problem, haven't you? Where you gonna keep them, in a drawer? They can't be free-range ever, can they?

STACEY: Oh no that's sad.

MUM: So they're always gonna have to be like caged rats.

STACEY: You never trust if they say it's 'organic rat milk'; you thinking, hang on.

MUM: Yeah, where have they got that from?  [THEME]

STACEY: Do you want to hear some cheese-related world records?

MUM: Yes please!

STACEY: I'll tell you the world records, and you can tell me how fast you think they did these in. This is from the website recordsetter.com, and there were a LOT of cheese-related world records.

MUM: Is there any reason for there being lots of cheese-related world records?

STACEY: I think because cheese is very easy to get hold of?

MUM: It is; it must be easy, it's the most stolen food item. Out of all the food that's stolen, cheese by far, apparently; accounts for over 20% of all the food that's stolen.

STACEY: That's funny.

MUM: But luckily they steal lots of wine as well, so nice to know there's little parties going on.

STACEY: Sophistimacated; I hope they steal the right wine to match the cheese.

MUM: So you're gonna tell me a world record?

STACEY: Okay, the first world record I'm going to tell you about; the fastest time to eat a slice of cheese. What do you think?

MUM: I'm guessing it's gonna depend on whether it's real cheese or not, but I'd say...12 seconds.

STACEY: 12 seconds to eat a slice of cheese?! No, the world record is one and a half seconds.

MUM: They're not really eating it, are they? Just breathing it in.

STACEY: [SLURP]; gone.

MUM: That's it; so I've got to be quicker, obviously.

STACEY: The next world record; how many cheeses can be named in 10 seconds?

MUM: 31.

STACEY: It's 45; I don't think I know 45 cheeses! I'm sure that this guy must have had them written down.

MUM: I know 764, but I couldn't say them all in ten seconds.

STACEY: This is quite a niche record; it's from France. What is the world record for the most types of cheese eaten under a car.

MUM: 211.

STACEY: This is gonna blow your mind; it's ten.

MUM: I think there's a world record here that I could- have I got to go to France to do this? Can I do it in Spain?

STACEY: You can do it in Spain, you can take the world record from this guy. He's just eaten ten different types of cheese under a car. This is the worst world record I think I've ever heard.

MUM: Hang on a minute, is there a time limit?

STACEY: No.

MUM: So I won't just need the car that I can fit under - that might be a problem - what about the amount of cheeses eaten under a bus?

STACEY: If you can get under a bus!

MUM: Or a people carrier, maybe.

STACEY: that's fine; or one of those monster trucks?

MUM: If it wasn't funny, I'd slap you for that!

STACEY: You could stand up under a monster truck! You wouldn't even have to get down on the ground; but you think you could beat ten?

MUM: Yeah, I've got more than ten times cheese in me fridge! I think I could do the cheese under a car.

STACEY: Yeah, I think that's one for you.

MUM: Was the car moving at the time?

STACEY: No, there's just a picture of a man lying under the car with cheese.

MUM: Did he have biscuits?

STACEY: No. I've got two more world records for you; I think one of them you definitely could do, the other one might be difficult. This world record is for the most slices of cheese placed on your face, whilst standing on one leg.

MUM: I'll say 14.

STACEY: This is another underwhelming record; it's seven.

MUM: I can do this! The cheese is not a problem.

STACEY: Standing on one leg might be the issue.

MUM: I'm gonna have to practice. Is it just slices of cheese?

STACEY: Like American craft cheese slices?

MUM: Like Dairylea cheese?

STACEY: Oh my God, I could get so much of that on my face! The only problem is me standing on one leg.

STACEY: And you have to be freestanding; no leaning.

MUM: Am I allowed to wear the hat?

STACEY: That's not in the record; but maybe the hat is cheating. What if the hat keeps the cheese on?

MUM: No, I'm not doing a nacho hat.

STACEY: You're just gonna have a bonnet. Right, this is the last one; this is one that I don't think that you can do, but it doesn't say whether it has to be real or fake. So this is for the record for the most moustached puppeteers eating cheese.

MUM: Mustachioed puppeteers?

STACEY: Yes.

MUM: Is it 26?

STACEY: It's just three. Does it say whether they have to be male or female? It doesn't; they were all male, but it doesn't say that. It just says 'moustached puppeteers'

MUM: I just don't need to- I just don't shave.

STACEY: You need a puppet. Get a moustache, get a puppet; eat some cheese, get another four or five moustached puppeteers eating cheese in the one room; you've got a record, baby.

MUM: So much going on.

STACEY: What do you do first? Do you get under the car, do you stand on one leg or do you grow a moustache?

MUM: Well, I think growing a moustache is the easiest; I don't have to put any effort into that. And whilst I'm growning a moustache, I may practice standing on one leg. At the same time, I may be spreading cheese on my face. We've actually had a cheese-related incident here.

STACEY: Ah! Spanish Cheese News!

MUM: Well, it actually was Dairylea Cheese News; but I did buy it in Spain, obviously. (UNCLEAR) 'Tammy' came up with the boys; we went into the water, and we found out that the fish really love cheese. When (UNCLEAR) 'Hannah' was here, we found out the fish love cheese. These are my grandchildren, by the way.

STACEY: You're too young!

MUM: I know; anyway, the fish in here absolutely love cheese, we found out. So as a joke, I said, "Let's spread Dairylea on my leg." Don't Do It.

STACEY: What happened?!

MUM: I thought Jaws was gonna come after me! As I'm walking through the water, there's a few little fish; then a mullet comes; then I saw a dark shadow in the water, and I couldn't run quick enough. (UNCLEAR) 'Kenan' screams, and I'm running with him - "Get out of the water! They're after your cheese leg!" - so I reckon I broke the world record for how first you can run with a cheese leg. How many fish will come after your leg when you've got cheese on it? At least sixty; and what was that dark shadow? We don't know.

STACEY: A baguette?

MUM: I never thought of that. When (UNCLEAR) 'Kenan' said Sharknado 5, I was out the water; and I will note, I'm sorry, I did leave the kids in there.

STACEY: Cheese Shark!

MUM: I saved myself first.

STACEY: Well, you had the cheese on.

MUM: Yeah, that's true. Do you know what it felt like? It felt a little bit like it must do when those fish clean your feet - they were just like [KISSING], "Ooh, I love you" - then one of them I think was a mullet, and they've got soft lips. I thought "He's getting a bit raspy", and then I picked my leg out the water; and there's a fish hanging on the back of it! So if anybody's thinking of smearing cheese on their leg in order to attract fish, just be careful what you wish for.

STACEY: What were you wishing for?

MUM: Well, I don't know; but now it looks like I've had an incident, because I've got like 70 little fish love bites on the back of the leg. Especially from the mullet, who's given me his card! [THEME]

MUM: You're gonna get that cat in?

STACEY: Yeah, I'm gonna get Kipper in. We've been doing a poll on Twitter and Facebook, and there's been huge controversy and debate about cheese, basically. Kipper loves cheese, so I thought I'd get Kipper to talk about cheese.

MUM: Okay, let's get him in.

STACEY: Kipper, come here. Come here!

MUM: Here he is; he's been partying all weekend, hasn't me.

STACEY: He has had a bit of a party. He's had some friends round.

MUM: Looks slightly wonky still.

STACEY: Oh, guess what Mom? Kipper did have friends around at the weekend; they were out in the garden quite late. Little Fella shows up; Little Fella was walking around the garden, hanging out on the decking with Owen and Kipper and his friends!

MUM: That is amazing; when you first got him and said "I'm gonna leave him in the wild, (UNCLEAR); as soon as you gave him the Simply Be catalog, he was a goner then.

STACEY: It was the minute he popped his menu through the letter box that says "Here's what I want for dinner", I knew he wasn't leaving.

MUM: Little Fella's our hedgehog, by the way.

STACEY: Oh, yes; people will have heard in the last episode that I rescued a hedgehog, and now I keep him captive in the garden. He can leave anytime; he can leave anytime.

MUM: You've nailed all the exits.

STACEY: No, he can go anytime; but we've built him a house, and we give him food every day. Why would you leave?

MUM: Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome. You're gonna make him love you by keeping him captive.

STACEY: Yeah, that's how I got my husband.

MUM: That's very true; anyway, moving on-

STACEY: Kipper, you love cheese, don't you?

KIPPER:  Meow.

STACEY: Cheese is one of his favourite things; he can't have too much of it, because he's got a little bit of a potbelly, but- 

KIPPER:  Meow!

STACEY: He does love cheese. So Kipper, what's your favourite cheese?

KIPPER:  Meow.

STACEY: Oh, okay. There's this cheese that we get from the cheese shop, that has like a little bit of garlic and nettle in it; so he likes that one. It's a bit posh, Kipper.

MUM: To be fair, (UNCLEAR) 'Bella the Lovely Dog's' favourite is a tube of (UNCLEAR) 'shrimp in'; which I give to her unopened, and she just chews it under it bursts. And then she sucks it.

STACEY: So we put out a poll on Twitter to ask people what is the best cheese; not was their favourite cheese, which cheese is best? We gave four possible options.

MUM: Which were?

STACEY: Cheddar, Parmesan, Brie and cheese strings.

MUM: I'm guessing some people said not all of those qualify as cheese!

STACEY: Well, no one questioned the cheese strings, if that's what you're suggesting. We had 75 votes in this poll-

MUM: Blimey!

STACEY: And that's just the Twitter poll - we had another 30 or so on Facebook - but cheese strings got 12% of the votes, which is only just a little bit less than Parmesan; Parmesan got 15% of the votes. There's big controversy here; some people don't see the point of parmesan. Shawn on Facebook said Parmesan is, "like, worthless"; and then Joe is like "you're wrong", and Shawn is like "No I'm not"; and then Joe is like "it's like really necessary" and Shawn is like "I don't think it is". Anyway, at the end we all ganged up on Shawn and told him he was an idiot for saying Parmesan is wrong, and he took it back. He's changed his mind.

MUM: Can I just say something? Shawn, you know your mother is always right; so I like Parmesan, that's the end of that.

STACEY: There we go, Shawn; Mum likes parmesan, so suck it.

MUM: That's what cheese strings are for.

STACEY: Go and eat your cheese strings in the corner if you can't handle adult cheese!

MUM: I actually like parmesan shaved.

STACEY: You don't like it hair?

MUM: I don't, no. I am actually going to admit something here; I like pecorino better.

STACEY: Get out of my house! I can't tell the difference. What would you put on a spaghetti bolognaise; cheddar or parmesan or pecorino?

MUM: Me personally, pecorino; but I wouldn't ever put cheddar on it, and I never would put cheese strings or Brie on it.

STACEY: No, but on Facebook Victoria has said "cheddar, spag bol."

MUM: No, you can't mix continents.

STACEY: I've always said it, you can't mix continents!

MUM: Have I not said to you before?

STACEY: Exactly what you've said to me every day of my life!

MUM: You can't have Italy and Spain, or Italy and Britain.

STACEY: Lasagna and chips?

MUM: No! Let's not be double carbing there?

STACEY: Everyone loves lasagna and chips. You go to the pub, the pub will give you lasagna and chips. And garlic bread.

MUM: That's true; that's triple carbs.

STACEY: That is typical British doing Italian; like, "Oh you can't just have lasagna because there's no potato there; and how are you gonna mop up that sauce? You need the bread."

MUM: Kipper's laughing.

STACEY: Cos Kipper doesn't know what garlic bread is. So basically, cheddar wins by 52%; we've also had people say they like Gorgonzola, Roquefort; and somebody from the podcast Lit Happens says manchego.

MUM: I love me manchego.

STACEY: that can get a bit stinky.

MUM: It does; I actually like it a bit sweaty armpit. It's better if you wrap it in tinfoil and put it down the back of a radiator for an hour.

STACEY: Gross. Oh, Squeaky also says manchego.

MUM: Love you Squeaky! Kipper, do you have anything else to add? 

KIPPER:  Meow.

STACEY: He's telling us how many people it takes to milk a cat.

MUM: Is it two?

STACEY: It's not two, because you need a lookout; you've got to have three.

MUM: Do you think anybody's ever made cheese from cat milk?

STACEY: I hope not!

MUM: Do you think anybody's drunk cat milk? Yes.

STACEY: Yes, I do. Oh Kipper, before you go can I just tell you about some news from New Zealand? 

KIPPER:  Meow.

STACEY: It's cat related- 

KIPPER:  Meow!

STACEY: Kipper!! New Zealand Council proposes banning all cats.

MUM: [GASP] 

KIPPER:  Meow!

STACEY: Basically there's a place in New Zealand where they're saying they're not gonna allow residents to get new cats; so if you've got a cat and it dies, you're not allowed to replace it.

MUM: Are you allowed to have it stuffed and put on your mantelpiece?

STACEY: Yes; and you can put wheels on it and drag it round if you want, but basically because they say cats are ruining the resident animals - you know, the nature, they're ruining that; they're killing all the local birds and animals, and cats are becoming a pest - so they're banning cats. 

KIPPER:  Meow!!

MUM: I'd like to see them succeed on that one.

STACEY: I don't think it's gonna happen.

MUM: Don't think it's gonna happen; think New Zealand is possibly going to sink the ocean before that happens.

STACEY: From all the cats that have taken over.

MUM: This'll have been proposed by some councillor in New Zealand, who keeps getting his garden pooed on by cats.

STACEY: "Ban them all!"

MUM: "Ban Them!" And here is the news on the 1st of January 2050; it's just been announced that since New Zealand have rid themselves entirely of cats, they are now starting up a new rat dairy-

STACEY: [LAUGHS] Oh, it's a ploy by the rat farmers.

MUM: That's it; the Rodent Cheesemakers Society of New Zealand.

STACEY: It all comes round in a circle, doesn't it?

MUM: It does indeed; New Zealand's an island, they can have them free-range there.

STACEY: Anyway Kipper, don't worry; we're not gonna ban you just yet.

MUM: Bless him. Right, cheers Kips!

STACEY: Thanks Kipper!

MUM: Before we go, I know you usually tell me a totally unrelated news story; but for a change, can I tell you a totally unrelated news story?

STACEY: I'd love for you to tell me a totally unrelated news story!

MUM: This happened to somebody - I don't know who it is, and if I do find out I'm not mentioning names - a local gentleman, it said in the newspaper, had to be treated in hospital because he got his testicles clamped between two magnets.

STACEY: ....

MUM: So I'm gonna try and explain more; there's something they do a lot in Japan called magnetic therapy, and it's lying on a bed that's magnetic, face down. The magnetism's supposed to make you more virile, I think; so this gentleman had put magnets on his bed-

STACEY: Oh, he was doing it himself!

MUM: He lay face down - and apparently he'd got these magnets from work, so they were quite strong - and when he lay down, two of them nudged together and clamped themselves each side of his testicle. So fast-forward - after he screamed down the phone to the emergency services - the ambulance came; they couldn't do anything. The fire brigade came; they also couldn't do anything, except that they cut part of his bed out so they could take him to the hospital with the magnet still attached. So then he had to go and be under general anaesthetic to have the magnets removed - which was done, but the surgeon who did it said that, to be fair; it wasn't something he was trained to do - so they did manage to get the magnets off, but oh, can you just imagine?

STACEY: Because you know when you're playing with magnets; you're seeing how close you can get them before they'll snap together, and it's goes all of a sudden, you can't stop it and it just goes-

MUM: If anybody's brave enough - I've looked, I don't ever to see this again - but YouTube have got a couple of videos of people who were actually doing this. They get their testicularii snapped actually in the video. Oh, my word; brings tears to their eyes, and mine. If you are going to try this magnetic therapy-

STACEY: Don't?!

MUM: Well, if you are going to do it, then at least put a duvet over the magnets first.

STACEY: Cover your magnets.

MUM: And wear some pants!

STACEY: And stop putting magnets on your bits!

MUM: Oh, I know; why would you want to?!! You can buy one of those magnetic bracelets; have one of them, wrap it round. Buy a Magna Doodle.

MUM: [LAUGHS] Put it down your pants; and then every night you get it out and see what you've drawn.

STACEY: Yeah, Be Creative!

MUM: I'd never heard of magnetic therapy before then, and I never want to hear of it again.

STACEY: I have seen an advert for a magnet that you put in your knickers to stop menopause.

MUM: To stop the menopause?

STACEY: Well, to stop symptoms of the menopause.

MUM: Being a woman of an older generation; if I thought that all you needed in life was a magnet down your knickers, I think women would have caught on to that when they were in their twenties. They wouldn't have been waiting until later!

MUM: Okay, so let's go.

STACEY: Oh, this is the last in our series!

MUM: I thought you weren't gonna remember; this is the last podcast that we're ever going to do-

STACEY: Oh!

MUM: And I'd like to just say thank you for everyone. We've had three lovely series, but we're splitting up now and going our own separate ways; we're doing our own thing-

STACEY: What am I doing?!

MUM: Oh, I don't know; I thought you'd got something to do.

STACEY: No, I didn't realise I had to bring something!

MUM: It's just like show-and-tell, innit?

STACEY: Yeah, it's embarrassing; I'm here empty-handed.

MUM: I've already got a new career lined up! Wait a minute, I can't leave you with nothing to do.

STACEY: Can we do a podcast, please?

MUM: I'll have to now; I thought you'd got something lined up. Let's do that again; this is the last podcast in the series, and I'm really excited to say that we've got a whole new lineup for the next series. Some oldies and goodies are coming back-

STACEY: They are!

MUM: We've got new jingles, we've got a new setup-

STACEY: And in the new series, you've got "Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner"?

MUM: I'm doing "Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner", we are having illustrated (UNCLEAR) 'news'-

STACEY: You need a couple of weeks off so that you can break in your cabana boys.

MUM: Yeah, I've had a couple round for an interview.

STACEY: And?

MUM: Well, I'm only on the fourth floor and they couldn't carry me up the stairs! I've got to have someone that can get me up here if the lift was to be out. That's why you need that zipline; although I don't know if you can go backwards! So we've got so much lined up for the new series-

MUM: Kip is gonna have a slightly different format.

STACEY: He's gonna be wonky on the other side!

MUM: Just take a leg off and level him up. So I'm going to open up my patio doors.

STACEY: If that's a euphemism, I don't know what is.

MUM: I'm gonna let the breeze in!

STACEY: I'd better leave you to do that then; I'll speak to you soon.

MUM: All right then.

STACEY: All right, bye!

MUM: Cheers, bye!

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